9.07.2008

Dude, It's Just Gum...

It’s no secret that I am a cynical asshole have a dry sense of humor and will often times poke fun at things that are stupid don’t make sense to me.

Watch this clip before you continue reading…


Someone PLEASE explain to me why this commercial happened? What is Chris Brown doing here? I would totally sleep with him on the first date think he’s a great artist, but he seriously upped his douche factor suffered a slight loss of cool points with this one.

I’m only bothering to discuss this because I need to be packing and I refuse to just sit down and finish it. I’ll share my disgust with this dumbass commercial opinion with YOU instead-I’m a giver like that.

Okay….let’s begin with the original song- I LOVES THIS SONG. It’s adorable. He’s singing to a girl about how he wants to dance all night long and he feels like it’s just the two of them on the dance floor and yadda, yadda, yadda-okay it’s not that deep or original. But it’s cute and the video has a nice concept.

How can he assassinate such a beautiful song and trivialize it to the point where he’s singing and dancing about gum???…It’s gum. I mean, don’t get me wrong-sometimes, I really want a piece of gum. However, you will not find me singing to it and break dancing with it before I chew it. I’ll kind of just, like, chew it or whatever. End of exercise.

This commercial is sooooo silly. I mean, I’m willing to compromise. I think we should have just had the instrumental music playing, let him do his thing dancing or whatever and wear green and then we could show the Doublemint gum at the end…
And then we could all say “Chris Brown likes Doublemint gum. I either do or don’t want some now that I’ve seen this.” Would that have been soooo bad? Methinks not. :)

Or they could have been even more creative and had him walking or dancing with a twin. Get it? Doublemint twins? Now THAT would have made more sense, no? Fuck it Let’s be real-why is he the spokesdancer spokesperson for Doublemint Gum anyway? Shouldn’t we have gotten some people who were at least twins or had already written songs about bubblegum or mint or something like that? Or how about people who just need the work? I’m just sayin’…He’s already found his niche in the music business, he’s been in a stupid, cliche-ass really touching Christmas movie, and for God’s sake-he’s dating Rihanna. Just greedy….He’s sooo much bigger than this already.

Here are some possible suggestions…

Tia & Tamera…

Okay, they don’t sing or dance, but they’re pretty and they work well together. I also feel like they’ve done Doublemint commercials before. 10 pts for the Veterans.
Lindsay Lohan…


She is on the list because she was playing her own twin out the gate-she gave us that Oscar-worthy performance in the Parent Trap about ten years ago and showed us her acting chops. I’m sure she’d kick ass pretending to be her own twin in a Doublemint commercial and in case you forgot, she has two albums under her belt as well. Let’s face it: Bitch needs work. Luv ya, Lindz! :)
Cassie…
Now, I acknowledge that she can’t sing or dance but I’d bet she’s really good at standing around looking pretty or chewing gum real sexy-like while writhing her body around with a bored look on her face. I’d even go so far as to assure you that she’d succeed at memorizing a few lines for a commercial like “I’m Cassie and I like chewing this gum.” I mean, she memorized the words to her songs that she didn’t write or sing in her videos. I know that men would buy it just because she’s so smokin’ hot. No really, bitch is bad! I feel obligated to find her work because she didn’t get the memo that this is truly not going to last forever and she’d better make the most of this moment. As a matter of fact, I know that Mya got that memo and she probably never even forwarded it to Cassie. Chiqs can be ultra-petty these days especially from the DC area.

Tiffany “New York” Pollard and Sister Patterson…

Ahhh yes, the Phoebe Price to my inner-Michael K (some DListed humor for you). This tacky broad exquisite treasure is A LOSER an up and coming actress and really doesn’t have the time to be bothered with Doublemint gum commercials or anything, but she might be able to work it into her schedule of acting in A-list films taping the worst depiction of black women on fucking television classiest show on VH1. I’m not even going to address this attention whore of a mother she has. She would probably demand that they play twins anyway. She’s always whoring her way into Tiffany’s fabness, she even jumped into this pic of her. I googled pics of New York and she just jumped right on in…

Mary Kate & Ashley…

These bitches are Super Twins. They took twinhood to the next level decades ago. They are really good at being twins and they already work well together. It’s documented in countless Full House episodes and stupid fucking classic Disney Movies and Sing-Along-Songs on VHS. They’re already richer than Jesus and would probably do the commercial pro bono.

And last, but not least….Miss Christina


I’d pick her simply because I am completely biased. This is my sister and this bitch is BAD. Hands down, end of exercise. As displayed in this picture, she is really good at playing her own twin as well. Look, the one in the yellow can’t even handle the one in the purple. She gives her the full-frontal “who does this bitch think she is” side-eye action. I LOVES it!!!!

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