Delta is Better

…No, really it is. Now, as your local fuckery enthusiast, it is my job to bring you my nonsensical rantings about anything as it comes to me profound thoughts on life when necessary.

Pictured above is the reason I flew home and had the pleasure of experiencing Delta Airlines in the first place. The Wilson All Class Reunion.

So with that said, I have to thank my ace who took action after hearing me bitch and moan incessantly express my concerns about dealing with Massa & Co. my job out here on Planet Oklahoma.

Sidenote: Yes, my release date has been pushed back to September 14th and they have opted to make my life pure and utter hell until that day comes because they are such assholes great people….Anyway, she knew my last minute ass was going to show up at the airport trying to buy a last minute $350 flight on Southwest again just so I can complain about it. So before I could, she booked me a flight on Hotwire.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am officially only flying Delta from now on. The hell with Southwest. Without further adieu…I bring you Delta vs. Southwest.

Departure

Southwest:To Southwest, this is a fucking joke. I feel like they have staff meetings that prep you on how to royally fuck people over inconvenience customers’ travel plans. I think they want to know how far they can go until all of us cheap bastards frugal consumers have to throw in the towel and pay real money for a real airline….Southwest Airlines would not know punctuality if it punched them in the damn face and kicked it’s mother. Why is it always a roll of the damn dice with these people? Why am i always unsure about what time I should tell Chumie Chonteh, Kea Sherr (that’s not your name anyway Nikea), and of course Shalexis Shyers my rides (pictured above) to pick me up from the airport?…Why is it always a mystery as to when we will actually take-off? And they just adjust the damn departure screens all slick, they won’t even say anything to you right away. It will just say 6:10 pm departure-which becomes 8:45 pm-which evolves into someone finally having the courage to say “the plane hasn’t departed Providence, RI yet, Ms. Brooks. Please calm down, we apologize for the inconvenience” OH FOR SHAME!!!

Delta Airlines-I have not experienced this issue with Delta Airlines. I have boarded FOUR Delta planes in the last week and NONE of them were delayed. However, I do know that when passengers were inconvenienced, they received vouchers and/or free flights or hotel stays. You know Southwest is not going to do that. They’re just not.

Flight Attendants

Southwest: Along with the anti-customer service training, I believe there is also a required course in bad jokes to make during flights and stupid fucking corny songs. It gets on my LAST NERVE. If I wanted a comedy show, guess what? I’ll go to a goddamn comedy show. Period. Spare me all the small talk and jokes. This plane was scheduled for takeoff at 4:55 p.m. I have only been here since 4:36 been waiting for hours! Why do I want to small talk with you? It’s 6:12!!! Get this bitch in the air and stop talking to me. NOW.

…but get me some vino, will you?

Delta Airlines: What I love about these broads is that they are so stuck up professional that they don’t even look at you, more or less, talk to you. They just sort of glance like they are annoyed that you are so under dressed on their plane. I must say, I LOVES it. But, then again…I have issues, so don’t mind me.

Even down to the uniforms, their uniforms are fly. Delta flight attendants are far more polished and they look good. You see them and you’re like “Damn, I wanna go where she’s going.” And then we have….Southwest. I’ve always been turned off by these people. They are dressed like fucking idiots a cross between zoo keepers and Six Flags workers. Seriously, they wear khaki shorts and these sweater vests and a damn polo shirt. YUK! I DO NOT want to go where you’re going….But, I digress.

Seating

Southwest: What the fuck is this? For the sake of all that is holy, could someone PLEASE explain to me why the hell there is a do-it-yourself seating policy on this airline? Have you experienced this before? You check in, you receive a number that dictates the order in which you get on the plane….If they can take the time to do that? Why the fuck can’t they just give you a SEATING ASSIGNMENT??? Level with me here….Tell me where to fucking sit. I am traveling. I am stressed out that they threw away my body wash, my perfume, etc, you are LATE-I have enough on my mind, clearly. I cannot be bothered with this god-awful process of picking out my own seat.

By the time the plane is half full, there’s nothing left but middle seats. This is the worst. You are now that dickhead who has to make someone get up so that that you can sit down. This is a trip. Mutherfuckers People act like the decision is to be made at their behest or something. FUCK YOU! Your cheap ass paid $99 for this flight just like I did. If you wanted two seats, you should have spent the $198.50-Get up!

Delta Airlines: I simply boarded the plane when my zone was called and then I walked to the seat that corresponded to my ticket. Then, I sat and waited for my vino. End of Exercise!

Alcohol Flight Accommodations

Southwest: Okay…Essentially, there are NO accommodations on this airline. Often times, I catch that one flight attendant who just doesn’t give a shit anymore and rather than make change or make a big deal about it, will give me free drinks there. The price isn’t that bad (only $4) but with all the fucking bullshit inconveniences that you put up with, I am of the opinion that everything should be free. 25 pts for Southwest!

Side Note: Okay, so I am a Rapid Rewards Member. When I received my 16th credit (first free flight), I received eight free drink coupons in the mail which was their way of congratulating me on being inducted into the Society of Cheap Bastards-Elitist Group. I still have all my coupons because I keep getting free drinks from either the flight attendant who is contemplating throwing him/herself out of the plane anyway doesn’t care anymore or the gay guy who loves my bag and looks out for me because we’ve just bonded on that level.

Delta Airlines: I can admit when I am in over my head. And I was too cheap not prepared to purchase wine on this airline. One glass was SEVEN DOLLARS. Now, I know a $6 bottle of wine when I see one, so please believe I was not paying anyone $7 for a glass of it. Now, don’t get me wrong….I will still punish that $6 bottle of wine am not too good for a $6 bottle of wine, but it better come with a commemorative Delta wine goblet and a lap dance. Dig Moi? I’m just sayin…Needless to say, that was a no go!

First Class

Southwest: I’m just over it. I’m sorry. These bitches don’t even have blankets, and when they do have blankets, they CHARGE YOU FOR THEM. You know they have a running joke, where they say “Everyone on Southwest is First Class!” No, we’re all cheap. We’re all Walmart Shoppers/Greyhound Bus customers/pretty young women with $1,000 handbags and bad credit and need to get our lives together quickly…..pick any one of those things, but first class we are not.

Delta: Their first class is the shizz….The people in first class have these awesome leather seats and plenty of room. They look at us like we disgust them-like they wish we would just come in through the back door. They have beautiful, sharply dressed flight attendants and unlimited drinks. That’s about alls I know about it because they were serious about keeping that curtain closed at all costs. I snuck a few glances when I could though.

And when its cold, there are complimentary blankets for all. COMPLIMENTARY. I stole mine the other morning. What? Don’t judge me….it was free really exquisite.

Score: Delta Airlines 100 pts Southwest -975 pts