I'm Trying to figure out what's happening between Sasha Fierce and I

Okay everyone...welcome to the Confessions of a Closet Asshole. We're going to skip the formalities and get right into the album review. I'm going to review Beyonce's new album. I love her to death. You may remember the post "Beyonce Be Praised" from my old blog. (That's a hyperlink if you didn't catch it ♥ )

A few rules though...no STANS. Okay, if you STANS are going to read this, have an open mind and don't try to fight me in the street or send me a nasty e-mail because I won't even read it I promise. You knew when you went to a blog that said confessions of a closet ASSHOLE, there was a chance that you may not like everything that you read...right?

Let's begin with the I Am Beyonce disc....Okay back up-why did we need two separate discs for these songs? But that's okay. Sometimes I just do what the fuck I want to do too. Just because I can. But it's taken me so long to write this review because I felt so conflicted. I felt like a hater, a traitor, an asshole even...But alas, I don't really give a shit in reality must follow my gut. I had a pretty entertaining conversation with a fellow Beyonce fan this morning and a lot of our exchange is fused in here and there.

Walk with me down asshole boulevard for a sec.

Disc#1 is the Beyonce side of things. It's called "I Am Beyonce" or something. That is not the right name. It should have been called "Yall, I just love Jay-Z so damn much. Oh, and sometimes I listen to my friend's problems too." The end.

I mean, I bought the deluxe version because I am crazy as all hell and running out of things to do with my money which has a bonus song called "Who Saves the Hero?" Now that's a good ass song. I must admit that I made it relate to me. Don't you always do that when you like a song? You, like, force it into your own personal experiences? Well, never mind-I am sidetracking (again). That's a great song. Halo is good too but Julia said that it was originally Leona Lewis' song and that makes me uncomfortable. I feel like she could have done a lot with it and she's so new in her career that this could have been her vehicle. Overall, the best song in my opinion is "If I Were The Don A Boy" but I've heard it 17 million times. But that wasn't her song either. It belongs to BC Jean. Okay, what am I getting at? Well, since I am such a Bey fan, I have heard her say and have read time and time again that this was her "baby" and that it was from her soul and yadda, yadda, yadda and was BEYOND EXCITED about seeing more of who she is...so why are the best songs not written by her and the other ones so dull? It makes me wonder if you strip everything down and let her just be her-is there anything there??? I dunno. I love her anyway. Freak out if you want, but you can't say that I'm lying. :)

Sidebar: Every time I watch this video it makes me cry. It makes me think waaay too hard about what I've been through and what I've watched others go through. Can you believe that dude said "Why you so jealous? It's not like I'm sleepin' with the girl." Oh for shame! Sweet Jesus be a baseball bat! ♥

Okay, now that I've taken you on a detour down Issues Avenue...back to the review.

Disc #2: I AM Sasha Fierce. Sasha has worked my last damn nerve. This disc should be called, "I've always wanted to pretend to be one of the hoodrats that Mamma Tina wouldn't let us play with because good Creole children don't act like that be a high-fashion bad ass!" I mean, I understand. My mother was really strict on who I could play with too. I think that's why I've read so much Ghetto Lit in my adult life because I've always been a little fascinated by the whole deal. But the difference is, I don't sing songs about ghetto life or try to write stories or blogs about it. Bey?!?!?!! What is this?!?! I'm so hurt by some of it.

DIVA-Everyone said that this was going to be the new female anthem. ANTHEM!!!! I heard it and was beyond hurt. I was expecting something along the lines of Ms. Independent or on some "She Got Her Own" ish...but not this "where da cash at? Divas are hustlas fuckery!" And I am an avid fuckery enthusiast!!! I'm a diva,but I'm not a ''hustla"-I'm a government worker. BEY?!?!?!? I'm mad at you again. I need a minute.

Okay, I'm back. I also hate "Video Phone." The only time I'd EVER listen to that again is never. I don't even think Bey knows what the hell she's talking about in this song. Someone gave it to her. She just needed a "down south" club song I guess. For that reason I won't hold this against her. What exactly are we supposed to be doing for the video phone? Is it dancing? Fellatio? Stripping? Talking about our interests and fears? DO TELL. NOW.

Some might read this and say "Nikki, you're thinking too hard about this. Why does it have to mean anything?" To them I say fuck off that my Saturn Return has taken affect and really made me think shit out before I even dance to it. See ya when you get here. ♥

Ohhhhh....Sasha!

It's not ALL BAD though. I really enjoyed "Hello". I mean, really. It reminds me of when I meet a man with swagger and can't help but watch him cross the room and then pretend to ignore him until he talks to me when he speaks, you hang on his every word. Another good one is "Ego", Julia has convinced me that I like that song. And I do. I just didn't give it a chance at first because I was still in my feelings about "Radio" and "DIVA." I also love "Sweet Dreams" because it appeals to my inner-Apollonia. Yes, I'm a sex pot. What do you expect from an 80's baby? The rest of the songs are okay. I just thought the whole deal was so dumbed down. Where is Papa Knowles? He knows the winning formula. I think we just needed a little more balance and that winning Destiny's Child album formula. Like, this could have been ONE CD with the songs mixed together for a better flow. But that's just me. I'm a Program Analyst, not an executive producer or anything.

Overall, this was a good album. Hell, I'm just happy to hear from her. I missed her music so much. There is a lot of GARBAGE out here. I'm giving her a little "Tough Love" because she needs it. I don't need my girl getting all complacent and all. I'm sure this is probably the best album of the year-which is why Ciara, Mya, and Keri Hilson all keep pushing their ish back. I guess I'm just a little offended that she "dumbed it down" a bit for the masses and her sister didn't. And if you haven't heard Solange's album go kill yourself you should check it out. She is a REALLY GOOD writer and her baby's father is a total asshole apparently. Her ish is deep. I'm sure my little cousins and sibs are enjoying every moment of Sasha Fierce-whereas I'm just trying to sort through my feelings on the matter. I will say that she ultimately accomplished her goal of shoving this extended bi-polar episode down our throats and sealing the deal on becoming an icon. Even with all this, I will still continue to stalk her around the country and see her in at least two states. Good Job, Bey. Let's hear it for personal growth!

This is still my favorite Bey album. Oh Jesus, I was really feeling it when it first dropped. I played "Crazy in Love" for hours on end and I used to brush old beau's hair every now and then just because of that song "That's How You Like It" w/Jay-Z. I was young and in love with my own version of Jay-Z with far less money and a piece of ish Camry.

Later Bitches...Thanks for indulging moi .