Important PSA: Settling is for Pilgrims

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, let's talk about turkeys so I'm a little behind schedule SUE ME. I heard from a handful of  my old turkeys this past holiday. You know...as they always seem to resurface around the holidays or on your birthday and use it as some type of "in". However, I refuse to engage any of those turkeys and you know why?...Because I don't settle.

I definitely don't settle for turkey.

To put this blog together, I had to really sit and think about what it means to settle. I had to think over the type of shit that I cannot get down with my own experiences, what I see on television, and what goes on in my day to day interaction with friends.

So here's the definition:

Settling: The act of forcing a situation that displays obvious signs that he is a loser or you are a jump off of not working out, but one is still forcing oneself to engage in it, hoping for the best...eventually. The eternal optimist theory does not work in one's favor here. STOP BEING DELUSIONAL. 

Settlers do their very best to ignore RED FLAGS the obvious signs that a relationship isn't really a relationship is not going anywhere and they also tend to settle for a mate doesn't even meet HALF of their standards, just for sake of not being alone.

Think about this: Do you really want to spend forever with someone that you cannot stand? Someone that you could eventually grow to resent simply because you know there is something better out there for you? Something more fulfilling than a warm body in your bed and someone to go half on the bills? What about Love? What about the excitement of seeing your mate walk into the room? Or the beauty of finding an actual soulmate? Someone that knows you inside and out? Someone who knows little things about you like how you like to have the small of your back rubbed until you fall asleep? Knows little things about you that you don't even notice that you do? Someone who treats you like a priority and not an option? or doesn't mind that you cannot sleep without the television on?  Am I alone in thinking that having these things is more important that just "having a man...?" Hmmmm. Let's explore.

Newsflash: While Early Settlers believed that it is pathetic to be alone, it is actually pathetic to settle. Settlers have put several practices in place to cling to men women, or whatever you're into so that you can "have someone." See where I'm headed with this?

As your local fuckery enthusiast, it is my duty to compile the following list to let you know when you are settling and/or engaging in settler-related activities and put a stop to it. See, what's been going on these days is that the ratio of women to men is out of this world...at some point, it seems that women have given up on finding what they want or holding out for it and have developed this "I'll take what I can get" mentality even if it means knowingly dating someone else's man. None for me thanks.  Nobody likes a Harlot, ladies.

I'm not saying demand perfection at all. Perfect relationships force me to cheat are boring. You need a little spice to keep things interesting. I am also NOT saying "Girl, leave his sorry ass!"
The message that I am trying to communicate here is:  If the guy you're sleeping with your man is doing any of the things on the list regularly-he should definitely NOT be your Plan A because you obviously are more like Plan C or Plan J for him and when you look at the situation for what it really is, you're still able to keep that door open and find the right person for you-who deserves you and won't jerk you around.

I'd like to thank the Almighty Facebook, my friends- Wumie, Tandace, Ashley, Cami, Inemesit, EAC, and Kea Sherr  and all the losers I've dated for the inspiration. I am in no way singling out any particular person or situation so don't bother trying to figure it out-this is simply for the purposes of F*CKERY AWARENESS. If this hits too close to home, don't look at me look for Jesus.With no further adieu, I bring you "You know You're Settling When..."

(and in no particular order because I just don't have the time)

Girl, you KNOW You're Settling...

• If he lost his charger on Thanksgiving...
  
• If you are embarrassed to bring him around people because you aren't that confident in his mastery of subject-verb agreement he might speak... (see below)

...or think along the lines of this guy if you're not familiar with the NYC rap scene lol

• If you only talk to him at work...
  
• If you have never met his friends...
  
• If you stay the night at his house and he always hands you your body wash and such from the BACK of his bathroom cabinet and sometimes he can't even find YOUR shit ...
  
  
  Your Shit:

What he hands YOU after ten minutes of searching:

• If "it's complicated"... you're settling SIDEBAR: "It's Complicated is easily translated into "I am all about him, but he is not all about me." End of discussion.
  
• If he loses his wallet at least once a month when you go out Dude, you're 30+ what are you doing with your money!?!?!...
  
• If you would do anything for him and you have to beg him to do anything for you...
  
• If you have never been to his house...
  
• If you are constantly referring to other women as "bitches"...
  
• If he untags himself in any pics with you...
  
• If you go through his phone/check his facebook inbox regularly...
  
• If you take yourself off the pill without telling him... (see below)
  
  
  
  
  

• If he loses his phone/phone dies once a week...(see below)
  
  
  
  
  

• If "but remember the time when he..." is your favorite excuse to give your friends all the time...
  
• If you call him at night and he texts you right back talkin' about "what's up?"...
  

• If your friends roll their eyes whenever you say his name...

• If he constantly buys you nice things, but can never stay the night...(see below)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

• If he's going through some things and then starts dating someone else the next week...
  
• If he doesn't want a relationship but is dating OTHER people regularly...
  
• If you think being the best sex he's ever had in his life will make him leave "her"...womp.womp. (see below)
  
  
  
  
  


• If he just slept on her couch and the only reason he admitted he was there is because you followed him...
• If you've created a psuedo-profile to stalk some chick on Facebook...
  
• If you curse his existence EVERY TIME you get drunk...(see below)

• If he borrows your car regularly and you're happening upon strands of hair or earrings that are NOT yours regularly...
  
• If he is a commitment-phobe, but proposes to the next chick  and of course YOU are still sleeping with him because "That Bitch Ain't You"... you guessed it: SETTLING!
• If he regularly threatens bodily harm to himself or others as a tactic to make you stay and you do because he "needs" you...
  
• If there is Garnier Fructis and/or Motions shampoo in his shower and you use Nexxus Therappe and Humectress...(see below)

• If you are constantly on the phone with his mother/sister/etc trying to make sense of his behavior and figure out why he "don't treat you right" because your real friends and your own family don't wanna hear that shit no more!...
  
• If you are constantly engaged in a Facebook war on his wall/in his status comments with some "disrespectful ass female"....you're settling and you look real damn crazy...
  
• If he is constantly working overtime and still complains about being broke...
  
• If your child knows and recites all the derogatory terms he uses to curse you out...(see below)

• If your father bans him from your house and you are GROWN...
  
• If you are sitting with him and you send him a text message/call his phone and your hear SILENCE and it's only 8 p.m....(see below)
  

• If you get "cussed" out for even being in another man's presence, but you can't seem to find him AT ALL on Saturdays...
  
• If you just met his four-year-old daughter and you have been together for six years...
  
• If his phone rings at 2 a.m. and the ringtone is Ne-yo's "Sexy Love"...that ain't his sister or his "best friend" lol
  
• If his family tells you to leave him...
  
• If his drain is regularly clogged with long black hair and yours is short and brown and he is bald...
  
• If you two are only out in public two hours away from home girl, you know that ain't no romantic getaway...
  
• If you say "I Love You" and his response is "Okay, can you pass me the remote?"...
  
• If he's telling you about how much he liked the movie Precious and you haven't seen it...
  
• If you do your best to make sure you accompany him  to keep an eye on him any time he goes out--so much so that your own friends and family never see you but his family and friends do all the time...
  
• If you notice that he's been tagged in pics from his birthday party when he was working late last Friday night, chances are....(see below)

• If you are a writer and he regularly exclaims his disdain for reading books...(how personal was that one lol)
  
• If you have ever said to yourself, that's probably the last time he'll hit me...(see below)

• If you have ever said to yourself, he will probably stop cheating if I lose this weight/change my hair/gave him more money when he asks for it...
  
• If he has updated his fb status via fb mobile 50 times today, but returned none of your calls or texts...
  
• If he starts to gather your belongings for you immediately after you have sex he is not being a gentleman....
  
• If he left your house around 8 p.m. last night to check his boy and there's left over Ruth's Chris in the fridge today...
  
• If he tells you he's going out of town for the holidays but every time he talks to you, it's dead silence in the background or the bathroom echo lol...
  
• If he makes you a friend or mentions you in his status message and all of a sudden you have his other jumpoffs random chicks requesting to be your friend...
  
• If he all of a sudden says he doesn't have time to focus on you and the relationship and you've been hanging out for 4 months and nothing in his life has changed...
  
• If you are out and about and he runs into one of his cousins and they say "Oh, hey you must be..."NOT YOUR NAME"...you might be settling.
  
• If your best friend can't stand him, but is not saying anything (see below)...but you KNOW she is laying low ready for you to complain about him so she can go and slash his tires for you, cuz she don't want it to be on your conscience. 
  

• If you have been avoiding calling your big brova Keith (pronounced Keef) to gut this fool like a fish, and because you are so attached and have so much sympathy instead you call your boo's mama to try to make some sense out of what he is doing, all the while knowing his momma just as crazy cuz she thinks that's her lilul baby, and he can do no wrong, but you had sex in her bed twice, cuz he dont have his own spot. And ALL she says is, "Well you know Mikey gets confused sometimes baby, he just needs some attention, but he is finally getting focused."... Why do you have this CD on repeat? You see he is dirty 30 with a pacifier in his mouth, girl please... you are settling. (This is my favorite one-courtesy of Inemesit-I couldn't even edit this shit!!!)
  
• If you start writing that Pro/Con list and you've got about 12 cons and only 3 pros, so you start making up shit like:  4- he looks sooo cute in that hat, 5- He has excellent table manners, 6-he always puts the toilet seat down (yea right...), 7- he tells me he loves me...sometimes, 8- he has taken me out 7 times ( but you have taken him out 62 times, and yall been doin this shit for 3.7 years).. GIRL BYE!
  
• And last, but not least...If you've ever said "If he's sooo into HER, why does he keep calling me?" It's because you are New P*ssy, my dear Settler. For further information, please click HERE.

You're Welcome.